Small Hands, Big Hearts! aka 2013 in Review

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2013 annual report for this blog. <- This came preformatted in the AR summary that WordPress recommends posting to your site. However, instead, the idea of helper monkeys just killed any motivation I had today.

I first learned about helper monkeys through, where else, The Simpsons:

All started well

 

Still working…kind of.

 

But then…

 

No comment necessary.

 

Alas, Mojo couldn’t hang.

Ironically, about five years ago, I was editing a booklet of charitable organizations federal workers could opt to donate to. And, low and behold on my page – Helping Hands. It was like a sign from God. I dropped everything (much like right now) to google this amazing organization, and spent the remainder of the day giggling uncontrollably over the pictures on the site. It doesn’t hurt that my favorite author, David Sedaris, at the time was also smitten with the idea of helper monkeys, and donated his time to promote this charity.

Helping Hands does great work, but gets very little recognition. Thus, I’d like to introduce you, one of my seven readers, to a nonprofit worthy of your last minute donations:

Meeting Monkey and Human Needs

We are a non-profit organization that helps adults with spinal cord injuries and other mobility impairments live more independent and engaged lives. We do this by providing them, free of charge, with a unique service animal: a highly trained capuchin monkey to help with their daily tasks.

Small Hands, Big Hearts!

With an attentive and affectionate monkey helper, our recipients are defined more by what they have gained than by what they have lost. It is impossible to calculate the value of this transformation. No price can be put on the independence, self-respect, joy, and sense of empowerment that our monkey helpers bring to their human partners.

Why Monkeys

The most obvious difference between capuchin monkeys and other service animals is their dexterous hands and amazing fine motor skills. This enables them to perform tasks such as:

Turning pages
Scratching itches
Retrieving dropped objects
Inserting straws into bottles

Is a Monkey Helper Right for You? Apply for a Monkey

Something about this hundo doesn’t taste right

BAH! I’m going to hell b/c I’m dying writing this, particularly b/c it’s an actual organization doing great things. But the premise is just TOO.FUNNY. Ok I’m done.

you remind me

Ok, I’m just going to put this out there – Lena Dunham reminds me of the childhood picture book character Little Critter. Don’t ask me why I think this, I just do. And I spent a solid 45min googling 90s books trying to remember what it was called. I now have the closure I need to begin watching GIRLS again.

Please note – this is nowhere near close to a ding on Ms. Dunham. For the most part I think she’s fabulous. She just happens to look like an anthropomorphic animal character created by Mercer Mayer.

No?? Am I on my own on this one? That’s ok. I’ll just post more cover photos and geek out ‘cuz the week’s out.

amen

When did Ashton Kutcher become bearable again? I saw him on the cover of the new Esquire this morning, and it was just a sudden realization – he’s hot and no longer douchey! It’s a happy day in girltown.

I’ve always thought he’s been amazing on That 70’s Show – his character practically single-handedly made the show a success. But then, I just got so tired of the whole goofy-fake-frat-guy-trucker-hat persona. This was probably around the time of Punk’d. Remember that show? Yea. It was like this whole little Justin Bieber phase (before there was the current toolish Biebzz).

And then he married Demi Moore. And that was awkward b/c she’s like, legit old. Hot, but old. I mean, her daughters are practically the same age as him! He could have been watching Nick at Nite with them one minute, and banging out their mom the next. Just really bizarro.

But, then he became a cheating ex-spouse! And it really wasn’t cool, b/c, like, just don’t do that, jaknow? It’s bad enough to have Rumor Willis splashed across the tabloids, but to see your ‘step-dad’ in there too is beyond. Plus, filling in for Charlie Sheen on Two and a Half Men? WTF? That show is A. Terrible and B. Way over the shark, so why not just let it go? The ‘half man’ is freaking like 32 already. Not cute.

So, I guess that leaves his saving grace as Ms. Mila Kunis. Only the sexiest woman alive. I for realz love this girl and may or may not have posters of her up in my room. It’s that kind of crush. I think it’s so great that they got together – they had great chemistry on the show and they’re both fabulously good looking, and now apparently they’re close to moving in together! Swoon.

Presh!

This is essentially an open letter to Mila – Thank you so much for bringing Aston Kutcher back from the brink of Twitter-obsession and Nikon promotion. Thank you for making it cool to be a fan of his again. And most importantly, thanks for having a normal, sweatpant-wearing, relaxed relationship. It’s great to know that it’s ok to wear comfies outside of the house. I mean, if the stars are doing it, it must be alright…right?

lay down sally

I was talking with my guy last night, and he brought up this MILF he used to know – slight, with fake tits and a nice ass – named Dorothy. I’m nodding along in agreement, noting the typical emphasis on petite women with huge boobs, when BAM! Stunned out of my reverie by the name Dorothy. I don’t know why I find this subject so funny, but I DIED laughing (slash am still chuckling right now thinking about it).

The incongruity between the idea of someone so sexy and an old-fashioned grandma name like Dorothy is just beyond amusing to me. I’ve been thinking about a growing list of unattractive names since then. Think about it – some names are inherently sexy, or, at least subjective enough to call to mind someone you once knew who was attractive. And others, well, they’re just not. How many hot Huberts do you know? Hmmmmm hotshot??

Precisely. Concurrently, the opposite is also true – some names call to mind more physical beauty than others. For instance, I feel like for guys the name Ryan is pretty much universally applied to attractive people. Ryan GOSLING, Ryan REYNOLDS, Ryan ZIMMERMAN – fairly there, all around.

(this just makes me laugh – SQUIRREL!)

So, without further ado, I give you my Not Hot list of names: Feel free to chime in with your own additions, or to argue mine. Ideally this will morph into a universal list of those to seek out/those to steer clear of. No one wants to gasp out ‘Dorothy’ in an intimate moment (I know there will be exceptions to this – I don’t care for details). Pretty much anyone who has a long name and refuses to go by a nickname is suspect in my book.

Not – Ladies

Agnes, Dorothy, Bertha, Betsy, Melaine, Melanie, Helga, Bernice, Matilda, Patrice, Patricia, Martha, Judith, Olga, Missy, Rebecca, Norma, Ursula, Eunice, Dolores, Agatha, Gertrude, Paula, Pam, Pat, Mable, Marge, Deborah, Peg(gy), Bailey, Shawn, Darlene, Mildred, Myrtle, Fawn, Doreen, Barbra, BARB etc. This list doesn’t even include all the white trash ‘Ys’ – Chrissy, Brittany, Misty etc. (See clip from Ted) or the ghetto D’s – D’Shauna, D’etrell, D’eseree.

Not – Gents

Millard, Franklin (and Frank), Richard, Bruce, Fred (and Frederick), Douglas (and Doug), Stewart, Chuck, Charles, Angus, Billy, Donald, Jamie, Otis, Curt, Ron, George, Paul, Harold (just saying it sounds like someone is holding their nose and whining), Maximilian, Ulysses, Joel, Graham, Geoffrey. Again, not even close to complete. But, it’s time for me to pack my knives and go.

adorn

Know what makes me sad? When the Nationals break my heart. Even though to some degree it’s expected, it’s really not. I thought for sure they were going all the way. Why the hell else would I have devoted countless hours to watching, attending and following baseball this past summer? #saditutde :*(

I was going to write a post Friday morning about the euphoria of Thursday night, then decided against it on the off chance that my seldom-read blog would somehow jinx them. All for naught I suppose, and now I don’t even have a written record of how good it felt for one day. le sigh.

Know what makes me happy? Shopping and new things; it’s a problem. Retail therapy is an addiction, and the high hardly even lasts that long. However, I’ve purchased some real gems lately, partly b/c it was recently my bday, and partly b/c I just damn well felt like it. So, I will now be telling you ALL.ABOUT.THEM. Be excited!

Last week I had to return a dress to Banana and ended up finding the perfect sweater dress. I’m officially in love. It’s gray and black striped and looks great with my new gray suede boots. I thought the one I had returned was going to be my new go-to, but alas, ‘twas not to be. It was a black shift dress with ¾ sleeves and leather trim and it was straight UGLY. Fit like absolute crap and was possibly the most unflattering thing I’d ever put on.

The perfect purchase! (not me, obvi)

After my Banana stop, I headed over to Sephora to make good use of the gift card my guy’s family so thoughtfully gifted me for my bday. I have a subscription to Birchbox b/c I’m a complete product junkie, so I had a hard time narrowing my skincare purchases down to a reasonable amount. Hence, my splurge – hotrollers. (!!!) I had a set in hs, but these are infinitely more awesome. (They should be – cost a pretty penny.) I have yet to master actually using them, but they look awesome in my bathroom.

Saturday night my guy and I went to CoCo Sala for a joint bday celebration, and let me just tell you, the best part about that outing was getting dressed. I finally got to wear this snazzy little number from ASOS that’s been sitting in my closet for ages. If it wasn’t backless, I would DEFINITELY have worn it to work, b/c really that’s where I spend the majority of my time outside of my house. Verdict – go to wear clothes you love, but not for the food. Wasn’t all that.

Speaking of, wearing new threads today! Makes Monday ::this:: much better (that’s not much, but it’s a start). Particularly a Monday after your fantasy team is annihilated by Aaron Rodgers (44.60pts) and Jordy effing Nelson (34.50). FML.

‘My feet are soaked, but my cuffs are bone dry!’

In case you’re wondering, (I know you’re not, but work with me here) shopping deetz for my outfit are as follows: shoes, Aldo; cropped pants, Target; collar necklace, ASOS; nail polish, essie – devil’s advocate

too close

I have a love/hate relationship with all things Apple. It’s like I feel inescapably drawn to their products, even though they may not be the best option and are the height of douchiness. Ever since the iMac came out there’s been something so appealing about that signature splash of color, that I’m willing to overlook the hordes of scenesters proudly publicizing their ill-begotten goods.

Although I’ve had iPods since the first generation, I was able to hold out on the iPhone until about this time last year. Since then, I’ll admit – it’s a great phone. I’m not in love with it in a put-the-freebie-logo-sticker-on-my-car way, but I’ve become reliant on its ease and numerous apps. However, I’m not rushing out to buy the new iPhone 5 for one base reason – the decision makers at Apple are a bunch of dicks.

Think about it – the most impactful ‘update’ to the phone is the ‘upgraded’ docking port. In layman’s terms – they switched the size of the charging connection. All those cords, chargers and docking stations lying around the house, car, office etc = obsolete. BASTARDS. The worst part is it’s just a sick ploy to get people to pony up more moola for new stuff. Or, if you’re stuck on the idea of using your old crap, you can purchase an adapter for $29.99. Not only is it pricy, but it’s cumbersome and $30.00 only buys you one, resulting in the need to carry it around with you to ensure you’re never left stranded.

What kills me is the thought of the Apple execs deciding against switching to a standard USB charging option. If they were going to change the port, why not go with something universal that would enable connections btw the iPhone, TVs, cameras, and other phones? Oh right, b/c that would be helpful and economical. Heaven forbid that anyone in this economy attempt to make things easier on consumers.

Enough ranting from me – bottom line is I hate Apple and everything they stand for – including the awesomely ascetic electronics that I’ll probably end up purchasing. To hate them is to hate myself b/c lord knows I don’t want to be left out of the in-crowd. Le sigh – dems da breaks I guess.

crooked teeth

Perusing the interweb earlier this week I came across this report from the British Nutrition Foundation identifying more than 100 different factors that influence our weight. Do I trust the Brits? Meh. But the list is amusing. For your short-reading pleasure, I give you some of the ‘more surprising habits that are sabotaging your weight-loss regimen…’

1. Eating cereal for breakfast. A U.S. study found breakfast cereal sweetened with sugar left overweight participants hungry before lunchtime. Crap. I eat handfuls of super sugary cereal like, every day. Except for last Thursday when I came into work and thought a coworker had snagged my Reeses Puffs. Not the case – I unwittingly left the box sitting next to my trash and the cleaning ppl threw them out! A brand new box! They can throw away perfectly good cereal but they can’t bother to pick up the FedEx boxes I clearly label ‘basura’ outside my doorway. The nerve.

   

2. Underseasoning your food. Adding a bit of ground cayenne pepper to your meal can help burn calories faster. What’s more, the pepper seems to curb hunger – especially for fatty, salty and sweet foods, found nutritionists at Purdue University. Duh. Everything spicy is nicey.

   

3. Overweight friends. If your friends gain weight, the chances are you will, too, according to a study from Harvard University. Again, from firsthand experience – hanging with fatties who eat/drink too much and never exercise is terrible for you. sure, you may feel svelte by comparison, but a heifer is still a heifer even if it’s standing next to a bigger cow.

   

4. Eating off the wrong-coloured plate [sic]. A study from the Journal of Consumer Research found when food is on a plate that matches its color, it tends to blend into the plate, leading ppl to eat more. When the same amount of food is served on a plate that contrasts the meal, such as red spaghetti on a green plate, the portion appears larger and is more psychologically satisfying. SAY WAH??! Interesting.
5. Buying too great a variety of foods. Fewer food choices and instilling culinary boredom could be the key to successful weight loss. Researchers reporting in the American Journal of Clinical Nutrition found that when women were offered the same food over and over again, they tended to eat less overall. Key words – ‘culinary.boredom’. I almost zzzz’d out just reading that. Zero chance this is happening.
6. Doing only yoga. It burns just 144 calories in 50 minutes, which is no better than a slow walk. Even a power yoga [?!] class burns only 237 calories, boosting heart rate to just 62 percent of its maximum. PREACH! Every time I leave class I think my obese co-participants are crazy if they think they’ll end up lithe from yoga alone. It’s called sweat ppl!
7. You don’t have enough brown fat – thin people are known to have higher amounts of beneficial brown fat than the overweight. Brown fat’s great appeal is that it burns calories faster, like a furnace. Haha, what?! This doesn’t even make sense…A recent study in the Journal of Clinical Investigation found that a form of brown fat is turned on when people are cold. I mean, I guess this is good? I AM always cold…crazy Brits with their ‘brown fat’…
8. Research in the International Journal of Obesity suggests a very strong link between mother and daughter and father and son obesity, but no link across the gender divide. Great. Glad it’s now an international concern.

So there you have it boys and girls. Some of the wild ish out there for public consumption. Did you notice how all the studies compiled by the British Nutrition Foundation were conducted by American institutions? Only fitting to point out that we beat them once 236 years ago, and we’ll do it again! So stop swiping our obesity research – it’s our disease! ‘MURRICA

no one like you

Have you ever been Surprise! Mormoned? This is when someone you thought was ‘normal’ (aka, didn’t think twice about their religious preferences) turns out to have been brought up Mormon, and for a brief moment, it rocks you to your core. This happens to me all.the.time. Seriously.

I truly could care less about people’s beliefs. What you choose to do with your Sunday mornings is your biz. (‘Not that there’s anything wrong with that’) Unfortunately, there has been so much relatively negative press recently, regarding Romney, the election, religion in politics etc, that it’s hard to ignore. With that preface, I give you my top three Surprise! Mormons:

1. Paul Walker. Yes, it’s true. The love of my highschool life grew up Mormon. Did I mention I can’t wait for the next Fast/Furious movie?!

   

2. Bryce Harper. That clown question? Not strictly age-based.

   

3. Ryan Gosling. I know! Blown. Between him and Paul Walker, I’m pretty sure they must have something special going on in their holy water.

   

I could go on with Surprise! Mormons – Female Edition, but that’s boring. Whose closeted religion has surprised you before?

i’m on fire

This morning I read an article from Ask Men about how to blog to make money (link). Needless to say, it’s been my goal since blogs became hip to create one so awesome it would allow me an escape from the doldrums of work monotony and a ticket into the glitz and glamour of the swag life. Unfortunately, this didn’t work with my first attempt at acquiring free beauty samples, and it isn’t working now.

The first tip the AM article suggests is finding your niche – their example was tuna – this way you’ll become an industry expert, thus commanding the inevitable endorsement that comes from free stuff. And herein lies my first roadblock – I have no niche; I’m nicheless. More than just a dilemma of potential finances, this is a serious existential crisis.

Ideally, there should be something defining about me, something that I love above all else, that I’m passionate about. But passion has never really been my forte. The ‘About You’ sections of questionnaires always stump me, because I don’t really have any talents or hobbies.

I rarely cook anymore; I travel when I have dollars – but not enough for it to warrant top billing; I’m not artistically inclined. I watch movies a lot, but I’m no film aficionado; I like clothes in the sense that I like looking good, but don’t have the energy or finances to follow breaking trends; I definitely don’t scrapbook; and I could care less about the cast of the Jersey Shore or any other reality tv show (TC excluded, obvs).

The only thing I can stand to do much of is read – and that’s b/c it doesn’t require that much actual effort. I think therein lies the crux of my entire (self-perpetuated) talentlessness – I don’t really understand the idea of a passion that requires work (ie gardening, decoupaging, dancing, singing, volunteering, anything with an ‘ing’ come to think of it).

So, I’m reaching out to my few readers in the hope that you all might be closet geniuses – help me find my niche! I’ll shower you with free swag. SWAG!!! Together we can make this blog profitable (and by together I mean mostly you*)

The other two tips the article mentions are to pick an industry with money; annnnnd create original content. We’ll deal with those when we get there. Rome wasn’t built in a day after all…

all mixed up

Tuesday’s struck again. I overslept in a major way and have been out of sorts all day. I hate when this happens. So, rather than having a ranting post on why Tuesday’s blow, I’m going to take the high road and go with a rundown of random thoughts and unwinnable, but Custer-esque, arguments I’ve gotten into on numerous occasions.

I was recently gifted some delicious blueberry muffins, and so of course I brought one in to work yesterday for breakfast. I was in a hurry (per the usush) so I didn’t bother putting it in a bag or a Tupperware; just carried it gently on my palm. Work subsequently interfered, and breakfast was pushed to lunch. Lunch eventually turned to dinner as we ended up going out. Cut to 5pm – I’m walking out of work carrying said muffin again (I mean, I’d be stupid to let it get stale or waste it). I busted out laughing (solo) at the thought of me gingerly carting it around like an egg in middle school. If my muffin was a refresher on parenthood I feel genuinely sorry for any future offspring.

I don’t like pumpkin pie. Sue me. My eating habits are strange enough that I’m ok with announcing my idiosyncratic tastes in public, but this one continually is met with shock and aversion. I’m one of the most ardent fans of Thanksgiving you’ll ever meet, but this is just something I can’t get behind. Pumpkin bread? Sure. Put a little whipped cream and chocolate chips on that baby and I’m good to go. But the thought of pumpkin pie makes me yak a bit in my mouth. I’ll take extra motherland (aka potatoes – Irish) any day.

Shapes macaroni and cheese tastes exponentially better than plain elbows. Don’t even try to argue with me on this one – you’ll lose. It’s scientifically proven. There are more places for delicious fake cheese sauce to coagulate on a Scooby Doo or a Sponge Bob. I’ll go off on the merits of spirals – they may be the pinnacle of gastro ingenuity. I’m not sure who came up with the idea of popular characters as foodstuffs, but they deserve a slow clap. There is nothing better than Spiderman mac & cheese and dinosaur chicken nuggets.

Finally, what’s up with sweating when it’s cold out?!?! Is it just me?! This came up in conversation last night, and it’s something that I feel goes unspoken, but that more people than not grapple with. It’s freezing out, but you’re left with crazy sweat stains like you just trekked the Gobi. I suppose logically it’s b/c you’re shivering and that produces heat, and also sweat, but it’s something I’m just not ok with. So much for the adorable kelly green tight-tee I was going to wear…le sigh. (Just joshin – that’d be heinous. But I’d still like the option…) I’m lookin at you science to help me out on this one. I mean, how about contributing something useful once in a while? I rest my case(s).