spotlight

Sooo, TV’s biggest waste of airspace, the Oscars, were on last night. Did you watch? I passed. I figured if Seth MacFarlane was hosting there would be more than a little bit of singing, and since that’s always the worst part of any Family Guy, Cleveland Show or American Dad episode, I wouldn’t be missing much. From what I gather from reviews of the show, I was right. Apparently the theme for the awards show this year was music in film or some such. As I’m not in a drama club, nor a Gleek, I’m glad I passed.
That said, I’m more than happy to pass judgement on everyone’s attire. Something I feel like people could benefit from remembering is that fashion and glamor are two different concepts – fashion is about the shock of the new, while glamor is defined by desire and mystery. Unfortunately, many in Hollywood try for both and possess neither. But that’s ok – the Oscars probably shouldn’t be viewed the same as Milan or Paris fashion weeks. Ultimately the red carpet is for the couch-potato critics like me – the velour tracksuit wearing, middle American living, People magazine readers.

I’m so jazzed that Jennifer Lawrence won! I for sure thought she didn’t stand a chance slash was kind of confused as to why she was nominated, but whatevs, good for her! And the best part is that now they can promote the next installment as, ‘Hunger Games Part 2 – starring Academy Award winner Jennifer Lawrence’. But there will be plenty of time for mocking that later – let’s get on to mocking the way people look.

Lawrence/Dior

Jennifer Lawrence pulled off the perfect red carpet look – plenty of drama but not too many complications. The silhouette of her dress was knockout, and there was no fussy styling details detracting from that. Her swept-back hair, neat silver clutch and delicate jewelry were all in harmony. She looked like a genuinely nice person who deserved to win. Bonus points – the internal structure of her dress kept it looking great from every angle. Plus, the texture seemed to ensure that it didn’t look shiny or crinkly. Likes it!

Hathaway/Prada

I think it’s safe to assume it wasn’t Anne Hathaway’s intention to be upstaged by her nips, but that’s exactly what happened (kind of like how on Friends there was a span of about 3 seasons where you could see Rachel was cold in every scene). It’s actually the darting in the dress, but the resulting look is the same. I don’t care for how the satin holds its shape all the way down – looks like a stiff bridesmaids dress or something you’d wear to prom circa 2001. Plus, I feel like the look is too angular and sharp. Apparently she started talking about poor/starving people in her acceptance speech? She needs to get over herself. Bring back Princess Diaries Mia.

Adams/Oscar de la Renta

I LOVE gray, possibly more than anyone else, but this dress just looks dirty. Or like a rain cloud a la jimmy dean breakfast commercials. Plus, it’s just too huge for words. I wonder how many times she was stepped on? And if she shed, haha, leaving a trail of feathers. ‘Oh, there goes Amy – heading toward the bathroom.’

Witherspoon/Louis Vuitton

The color Reese Witherspoon chose to wear was gorgeous. Flattering, different and of the moment (read, trendy) while the cut kept her dress classic. Plus, it looked great with her old-Hollywood-styled hair. I like this older, post-Ryan Reese. She seems more at ease with herself and clearly doesn’t take herself too seriously.

Chastain/Armani

Jessica Chastain looked elegant and timeless, but my first impression was ZZZZZZ. Maybe it’s just me, but I feel like every time I see her she’s wearing some neutral-toned something or other and being pale with red hair. Yawn. However, the beading was nice and I’m digging her Harry Winston frosting.

Aniston/Valentino

Jennifer Aniston knows her brand and knows what the public wants her to be – the nonthreatening, smiley girl-next-door. She’s made a pretty decent career out of this, and she wouldn’t want to jeopardize anything by going off-brand in some cray Bjork dress. So, throw on a strapless something, have a great blow-out, and smile a lot. Bingo bango bongo. Job done.

Yo! Catherine! Beyonce wants her dress back! Catherine Zeta-Jones is gorgeous. You know that, I know that, we all know that. But, more often than not, she leans showgirl, partic in swooshy metallic. I feel like at home Michael Douglas is just like, ‘Oh, you‘ while she parades around in headdresses.

Kidman/L’Wren Scott

My personal winner! Nicole Kidman is a must show for the red carpet – her choices tend to be either brilliant or brilliantly awful. This, I’d say, is one of the good years. Major props for wearing a gown straight off the catwalk (I know I said red carpets were not a place for high fashion – this is an exception). Her look is #27 from the London Fashion Week show by L’Wren Scott, which took place just last week. Add to that a demure smile and clearly besotted husband, and you’ve got yourself a winner.

Stewart/Reem Acra

This is an example of a ‘why is she here’ moment – Kristen Stewart. Maybe she presented. Idk. Suffice it to say, there isn’t a dress in the world that could make Kristen Stewart look like anything other than Kristen Stewart. There’s really no other way to describe it. She’s in Reem Acra, and it’s feminine and refined, but she’s on crutches and her hair looks insane and you get the feeling there either was a tantrum earlier or there will be one soon. But she’s K-Stew. That’s how she rolls.