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The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2013 annual report for this blog. <- This came preformatted in the AR summary that WordPress recommends posting to your site. However, instead, the idea of helper monkeys just killed any motivation I had today.

I first learned about helper monkeys through, where else, The Simpsons:

All started well

All started well

 

Still working...kind of.

Still working…kind of.

 

But...

But then…

 

No comment necessary.

No comment necessary.

 

Pray for Mojo

Alas, Mojo couldn’t hang.

Ironically, about five years ago, I was editing a booklet of charitable organizations federal workers could opt to donate to. And, low and behold on my page – Helping Hands. It was like a sign from God. I dropped everything (much like right now) to google this amazing organization, and spent the remainder of the day giggling uncontrollably over the pictures on the site. It doesn’t hurt that my favorite author, David Sedaris, at the time was also smitten with the idea of helper monkeys, and donated his time to promote this charity.

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Helping Hands does great work, but gets very little recognition. Thus, I’d like to introduce you, one of my seven readers, to a nonprofit worthy of your last minute donations:

Meeting Monkey and Human Needs

We are a non-profit organization that helps adults with spinal cord injuries and other mobility impairments live more independent and engaged lives. We do this by providing them, free of charge, with a unique service animal: a highly trained capuchin monkey to help with their daily tasks.

Small Hands, Big Hearts!

With an attentive and affectionate monkey helper, our recipients are defined more by what they have gained than by what they have lost. It is impossible to calculate the value of this transformation. No price can be put on the independence, self-respect, joy, and sense of empowerment that our monkey helpers bring to their human partners.

Why Monkeys

The most obvious difference between capuchin monkeys and other service animals is their dexterous hands and amazing fine motor skills. This enables them to perform tasks such as:

Turning pages
Scratching itches
Retrieving dropped objects
Inserting straws into bottles

Is a Monkey Helper Right for You? Apply for a Monkey

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Something about this hundo doesn’t taste right

BAH! I’m going to hell b/c I’m dying writing this, particularly b/c it’s an actual organization doing great things. But the premise is just TOO.FUNNY. Ok I’m done.

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Ok, I’m just going to put this out there – Lena Dunham reminds me of the childhood picture book character Little Critter. Don’t ask me why I think this, I just do. And I spent a solid 45min googling 90s books trying to remember what it was called. I now have the closure I need to begin watching GIRLS again.

Please note – this is nowhere near close to a ding on Ms. Dunham. For the most part I think she’s fabulous. She just happens to look like an anthropomorphic animal character created by Mercer Mayer.

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No?? Am I on my own on this one? That’s ok. I’ll just post more cover photos and geek out ‘cuz the week’s out.

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When did Ashton Kutcher become bearable again? I saw him on the cover of the new Esquire this morning, and it was just a sudden realization – he’s hot and no longer douchey! It’s a happy day in girltown.

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I’ve always thought he’s been amazing on That 70’s Show – his character practically single-handedly made the show a success. But then, I just got so tired of the whole goofy-fake-frat-guy-trucker-hat persona. This was probably around the time of Punk’d. Remember that show? Yea. It was like this whole little Justin Bieber phase (before there was the current toolish Biebzz).

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And then he married Demi Moore. And that was awkward b/c she’s like, legit old. Hot, but old. I mean, her daughters are practically the same age as him! He could have been watching Nick at Nite with them one minute, and banging out their mom the next. Just really bizarro.

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But, then he became a cheating ex-spouse! And it really wasn’t cool, b/c, like, just don’t do that, jaknow? It’s bad enough to have Rumor Willis splashed across the tabloids, but to see your ‘step-dad’ in there too is beyond. Plus, filling in for Charlie Sheen on Two and a Half Men? WTF? That show is A. Terrible and B. Way over the shark, so why not just let it go? The ‘half man’ is freaking like 32 already. Not cute.

So, I guess that leaves his saving grace as Ms. Mila Kunis. Only the sexiest woman alive. I for realz love this girl and may or may not have posters of her up in my room. It’s that kind of crush. I think it’s so great that they got together – they had great chemistry on the show and they’re both fabulously good looking, and now apparently they’re close to moving in together! Swoon.

Presh!

Presh!

This is essentially an open letter to Mila – Thank you so much for bringing Aston Kutcher back from the brink of Twitter-obsession and Nikon promotion. Thank you for making it cool to be a fan of his again. And most importantly, thanks for having a normal, sweatpant-wearing, relaxed relationship. It’s great to know that it’s ok to wear comfies outside of the house. I mean, if the stars are doing it, it must be alright…right?

I was talking with my guy last night, and he brought up this MILF he used to know – slight, with fake tits and a nice ass – named Dorothy. I’m nodding along in agreement, noting the typical emphasis on petite women with huge boobs, when BAM! Stunned out of my reverie by the name Dorothy. I don’t know why I find this subject so funny, but I DIED laughing (slash am still chuckling right now thinking about it).

The incongruity between the idea of someone so sexy and an old-fashioned grandma name like Dorothy is just beyond amusing to me. I’ve been thinking about a growing list of unattractive names since then. Think about it – some names are inherently sexy, or, at least subjective enough to call to mind someone you once knew who was attractive. And others, well, they’re just not. How many hot Huberts do you know? Hmmmmm hotshot??

Precisely. Concurrently, the opposite is also true – some names call to mind more physical beauty than others. For instance, I feel like for guys the name Ryan is pretty much universally applied to attractive people. Ryan GOSLING, Ryan REYNOLDS, Ryan ZIMMERMAN – fairly there, all around.

(this just makes me laugh - SQUIRREL!)

(this just makes me laugh – SQUIRREL!)

So, without further ado, I give you my Not Hot list of names: Feel free to chime in with your own additions, or to argue mine. Ideally this will morph into a universal list of those to seek out/those to steer clear of. No one wants to gasp out ‘Dorothy’ in an intimate moment (I know there will be exceptions to this – I don’t care for details). Pretty much anyone who has a long name and refuses to go by a nickname is suspect in my book.

Not – Ladies

Agnes, Dorothy, Bertha, Betsy, Melaine, Melanie, Helga, Bernice, Matilda, Patrice, Patricia, Martha, Judith, Olga, Missy, Rebecca, Norma, Ursula, Eunice, Dolores, Agatha, Gertrude, Paula, Pam, Pat, Mable, Marge, Deborah, Peg(gy), Bailey, Shawn, Darlene, Mildred, Myrtle, Fawn, Doreen, Barbra, BARB etc. This list doesn’t even include all the white trash ‘Ys’ – Chrissy, Brittany, Misty etc. (See clip from Ted) or the ghetto D’s – D’Shauna, D’etrell, D’eseree.

Not – Gents

Millard, Franklin (and Frank), Richard, Bruce, Fred (and Frederick), Douglas (and Doug), Stewart, Chuck, Charles, Angus, Billy, Donald, Jamie, Otis, Curt, Ron, George, Paul, Harold (just saying it sounds like someone is holding their nose and whining), Maximilian, Ulysses, Joel, Graham, Geoffrey. Again, not even close to complete. But, it’s time for me to pack my knives and go.

JugEars

Good morning boys and girls – it’s the beginning of a new year, and as such, I will make every attempt to get this blog going again. It’s not that I don’t enjoy sharing random tidbits of my life with complete strangers, it’s just that I have a hard time getting motivated to do anything some days months*. Please don’t take it personally, it’s just that I don’t care. Blogging doesn’t really bring me any particular joy or peace of mind, per se. I’ve accepted the fact that I’ll never parlay this little time-waster into a full time career with paid advertisers or a major book deal. And I’m ok with that. But for the sake of those who may read this for a 10 minute escape from their daily boredom, let’s move on, shall we?

Today is my first day back at work after a (GLORIOUS) week and a half off. Needless to say, this morning was rough. I think going back to work after a holiday break may be the hardest thing an adult has to face. I mean, as a teenager, going back to school after summer was hard, but at least you could look forward to seeing cute boys and which girls had inevitably let themselves go. Fast forward to spring semester after winter break in college – you were starting an entire series of new courses, with all the possibilities inherent therein – new friends to make, guys to impress, subjects to interest you. Plus, you were THAT much closer to summer break.

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With work, it’s just a depressing never-ending cycle of monotony, broken only by the piercing shrill of the alarm going off at some ungodly dark hour. There’s got to be more to life. So, with that in mind, I give you my attempt at soon to be trashed resolutions for the New Year:

  1. Find something of value in every day. Most likely this will not come from work, hence #2:
  2. Find a new yob. I’m closing in on two years at my current employer, and it may (read, is*) be time to move on to greener cubicles.
  3. Get back into the habit of working out. <– I feel like this one is most adult’s challenge for themselves, and as such, I’m carefully phrasing mine to avoid any semblances of a personal makeover or healthier eating, losing weight etc. I’m not even looking to revert to a gym-Nazi prior self. I’d just like to make the $40/mo I pay worth it.**
  4. Speaking of money, I’d like to become fiscally responsible. I’m 27 years old. It’s time to try to make some headway on my debt. Or, at least stop purchasing numerous outfits from Banana that I don’t even end up wearing to work b/c it’s easier to throw on the same old shit.cammotsnyreslex-colours-1325779456

Ugh, I’m tired just coming up with this list.

** I was right! (Shocking, I know) The top 10 NYR for American adults are to 1. spend more time with family and friends (SNOOZE); 2. Fit in fitness; 3. Tame the bulge (over 66% of adult Americans are considered overweight or obese by recent studies <– Jebus!) 4. Quit smoking; 5. Enjoy life more; 6. Quit drinking; 7. Get out of debt; 8. Learn something new; 9. Help others (YAWN); 10. Get organized.

gross, no? fatties are the worst. (I can say that, I have fat friends)

gross, no? fatties are the worst. (I can say that, I have fat friends)

If reading this list makes you want to off yourself due to boredom, check out THIS fantastic compilation of crack head resolutions from twitter. You’re welcome.

Know what makes me sad? When the Nationals break my heart. Even though to some degree it’s expected, it’s really not. I thought for sure they were going all the way. Why the hell else would I have devoted countless hours to watching, attending and following baseball this past summer? #saditutde :*(

I was going to write a post Friday morning about the euphoria of Thursday night, then decided against it on the off chance that my seldom-read blog would somehow jinx them. All for naught I suppose, and now I don’t even have a written record of how good it felt for one day. le sigh.

Know what makes me happy? Shopping and new things; it’s a problem. Retail therapy is an addiction, and the high hardly even lasts that long. However, I’ve purchased some real gems lately, partly b/c it was recently my bday, and partly b/c I just damn well felt like it. So, I will now be telling you ALL.ABOUT.THEM. Be excited!

Last week I had to return a dress to Banana and ended up finding the perfect sweater dress. I’m officially in love. It’s gray and black striped and looks great with my new gray suede boots. I thought the one I had returned was going to be my new go-to, but alas, ‘twas not to be. It was a black shift dress with ¾ sleeves and leather trim and it was straight UGLY. Fit like absolute crap and was possibly the most unflattering thing I’d ever put on.

The perfect purchase! (not me, obvi)

After my Banana stop, I headed over to Sephora to make good use of the gift card my guy’s family so thoughtfully gifted me for my bday. I have a subscription to Birchbox b/c I’m a complete product junkie, so I had a hard time narrowing my skincare purchases down to a reasonable amount. Hence, my splurge – hotrollers. (!!!) I had a set in hs, but these are infinitely more awesome. (They should be – cost a pretty penny.) I have yet to master actually using them, but they look awesome in my bathroom.

Saturday night my guy and I went to CoCo Sala for a joint bday celebration, and let me just tell you, the best part about that outing was getting dressed. I finally got to wear this snazzy little number from ASOS that’s been sitting in my closet for ages. If it wasn’t backless, I would DEFINITELY have worn it to work, b/c really that’s where I spend the majority of my time outside of my house. Verdict – go to wear clothes you love, but not for the food. Wasn’t all that.

Speaking of, wearing new threads today! Makes Monday ::this:: much better (that’s not much, but it’s a start). Particularly a Monday after your fantasy team is annihilated by Aaron Rodgers (44.60pts) and Jordy effing Nelson (34.50). FML.

‘My feet are soaked, but my cuffs are bone dry!’

In case you’re wondering, (I know you’re not, but work with me here) shopping deetz for my outfit are as follows: shoes, Aldo; cropped pants, Target; collar necklace, ASOS; nail polish, essie – devil’s advocate

I have a love/hate relationship with all things Apple. It’s like I feel inescapably drawn to their products, even though they may not be the best option and are the height of douchiness. Ever since the iMac came out there’s been something so appealing about that signature splash of color, that I’m willing to overlook the hordes of scenesters proudly publicizing their ill-begotten goods.

Although I’ve had iPods since the first generation, I was able to hold out on the iPhone until about this time last year. Since then, I’ll admit – it’s a great phone. I’m not in love with it in a put-the-freebie-logo-sticker-on-my-car way, but I’ve become reliant on its ease and numerous apps. However, I’m not rushing out to buy the new iPhone 5 for one base reason – the decision makers at Apple are a bunch of dicks.

Think about it – the most impactful ‘update’ to the phone is the ‘upgraded’ docking port. In layman’s terms – they switched the size of the charging connection. All those cords, chargers and docking stations lying around the house, car, office etc = obsolete. BASTARDS. The worst part is it’s just a sick ploy to get people to pony up more moola for new stuff. Or, if you’re stuck on the idea of using your old crap, you can purchase an adapter for $29.99. Not only is it pricy, but it’s cumbersome and $30.00 only buys you one, resulting in the need to carry it around with you to ensure you’re never left stranded.

What kills me is the thought of the Apple execs deciding against switching to a standard USB charging option. If they were going to change the port, why not go with something universal that would enable connections btw the iPhone, TVs, cameras, and other phones? Oh right, b/c that would be helpful and economical. Heaven forbid that anyone in this economy attempt to make things easier on consumers.

Enough ranting from me – bottom line is I hate Apple and everything they stand for – including the awesomely ascetic electronics that I’ll probably end up purchasing. To hate them is to hate myself b/c lord knows I don’t want to be left out of the in-crowd. Le sigh – dems da breaks I guess.

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