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The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2013 annual report for this blog. <- This came preformatted in the AR summary that WordPress recommends posting to your site. However, instead, the idea of helper monkeys just killed any motivation I had today.

I first learned about helper monkeys through, where else, The Simpsons:

All started well

All started well

 

Still working...kind of.

Still working…kind of.

 

But...

But then…

 

No comment necessary.

No comment necessary.

 

Pray for Mojo

Alas, Mojo couldn’t hang.

Ironically, about five years ago, I was editing a booklet of charitable organizations federal workers could opt to donate to. And, low and behold on my page – Helping Hands. It was like a sign from God. I dropped everything (much like right now) to google this amazing organization, and spent the remainder of the day giggling uncontrollably over the pictures on the site. It doesn’t hurt that my favorite author, David Sedaris, at the time was also smitten with the idea of helper monkeys, and donated his time to promote this charity.

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Helping Hands does great work, but gets very little recognition. Thus, I’d like to introduce you, one of my seven readers, to a nonprofit worthy of your last minute donations:

Meeting Monkey and Human Needs

We are a non-profit organization that helps adults with spinal cord injuries and other mobility impairments live more independent and engaged lives. We do this by providing them, free of charge, with a unique service animal: a highly trained capuchin monkey to help with their daily tasks.

Small Hands, Big Hearts!

With an attentive and affectionate monkey helper, our recipients are defined more by what they have gained than by what they have lost. It is impossible to calculate the value of this transformation. No price can be put on the independence, self-respect, joy, and sense of empowerment that our monkey helpers bring to their human partners.

Why Monkeys

The most obvious difference between capuchin monkeys and other service animals is their dexterous hands and amazing fine motor skills. This enables them to perform tasks such as:

Turning pages
Scratching itches
Retrieving dropped objects
Inserting straws into bottles

Is a Monkey Helper Right for You? Apply for a Monkey

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Something about this hundo doesn’t taste right

BAH! I’m going to hell b/c I’m dying writing this, particularly b/c it’s an actual organization doing great things. But the premise is just TOO.FUNNY. Ok I’m done.

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Sooo, TV’s biggest waste of airspace, the Oscars, were on last night. Did you watch? I passed. I figured if Seth MacFarlane was hosting there would be more than a little bit of singing, and since that’s always the worst part of any Family Guy, Cleveland Show or American Dad episode, I wouldn’t be missing much. From what I gather from reviews of the show, I was right. Apparently the theme for the awards show this year was music in film or some such. As I’m not in a drama club, nor a Gleek, I’m glad I passed.
That said, I’m more than happy to pass judgement on everyone’s attire. Something I feel like people could benefit from remembering is that fashion and glamor are two different concepts – fashion is about the shock of the new, while glamor is defined by desire and mystery. Unfortunately, many in Hollywood try for both and possess neither. But that’s ok – the Oscars probably shouldn’t be viewed the same as Milan or Paris fashion weeks. Ultimately the red carpet is for the couch-potato critics like me – the velour tracksuit wearing, middle American living, People magazine readers.

I’m so jazzed that Jennifer Lawrence won! I for sure thought she didn’t stand a chance slash was kind of confused as to why she was nominated, but whatevs, good for her! And the best part is that now they can promote the next installment as, ‘Hunger Games Part 2 – starring Academy Award winner Jennifer Lawrence’. But there will be plenty of time for mocking that later – let’s get on to mocking the way people look.

Lawrence/Dior

Lawrence/Dior

Jennifer Lawrence pulled off the perfect red carpet look – plenty of drama but not too many complications. The silhouette of her dress was knockout, and there was no fussy styling details detracting from that. Her swept-back hair, neat silver clutch and delicate jewelry were all in harmony. She looked like a genuinely nice person who deserved to win. Bonus points – the internal structure of her dress kept it looking great from every angle. Plus, the texture seemed to ensure that it didn’t look shiny or crinkly. Likes it!

Hathaway/Prada

Hathaway/Prada

I think it’s safe to assume it wasn’t Anne Hathaway’s intention to be upstaged by her nips, but that’s exactly what happened (kind of like how on Friends there was a span of about 3 seasons where you could see Rachel was cold in every scene). It’s actually the darting in the dress, but the resulting look is the same. I don’t care for how the satin holds its shape all the way down – looks like a stiff bridesmaids dress or something you’d wear to prom circa 2001. Plus, I feel like the look is too angular and sharp. Apparently she started talking about poor/starving people in her acceptance speech? She needs to get over herself. Bring back Princess Diaries Mia.

Adams/Oscar de la Renta

Adams/Oscar de la Renta

I LOVE gray, possibly more than anyone else, but this dress just looks dirty. Or like a rain cloud a la jimmy dean breakfast commercials. Plus, it’s just too huge for words. I wonder how many times she was stepped on? And if she shed, haha, leaving a trail of feathers. ‘Oh, there goes Amy – heading toward the bathroom.’

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Witherspoon/Louis Vuitton

Witherspoon/Louis Vuitton

The color Reese Witherspoon chose to wear was gorgeous. Flattering, different and of the moment (read, trendy) while the cut kept her dress classic. Plus, it looked great with her old-Hollywood-styled hair. I like this older, post-Ryan Reese. She seems more at ease with herself and clearly doesn’t take herself too seriously.

Chastain/Armani

Chastain/Armani

Jessica Chastain looked elegant and timeless, but my first impression was ZZZZZZ. Maybe it’s just me, but I feel like every time I see her she’s wearing some neutral-toned something or other and being pale with red hair. Yawn. However, the beading was nice and I’m digging her Harry Winston frosting.

Aniston/Valentino

Aniston/Valentino

Jennifer Aniston knows her brand and knows what the public wants her to be – the nonthreatening, smiley girl-next-door. She’s made a pretty decent career out of this, and she wouldn’t want to jeopardize anything by going off-brand in some cray Bjork dress. So, throw on a strapless something, have a great blow-out, and smile a lot. Bingo bango bongo. Job done.

Michael Douglas leads his wife actress Catherine Zeta

Yo! Catherine! Beyonce wants her dress back! Catherine Zeta-Jones is gorgeous. You know that, I know that, we all know that. But, more often than not, she leans showgirl, partic in swooshy metallic. I feel like at home Michael Douglas is just like, ‘Oh, you‘ while she parades around in headdresses.

Kidman/L'Wren Scott

Kidman/L’Wren Scott

My personal winner! Nicole Kidman is a must show for the red carpet – her choices tend to be either brilliant or brilliantly awful. This, I’d say, is one of the good years. Major props for wearing a gown straight off the catwalk (I know I said red carpets were not a place for high fashion – this is an exception). Her look is #27 from the London Fashion Week show by L’Wren Scott, which took place just last week. Add to that a demure smile and clearly besotted husband, and you’ve got yourself a winner.

Stewart/Reem Acra

Stewart/Reem Acra

This is an example of a ‘why is she here’ moment – Kristen Stewart. Maybe she presented. Idk. Suffice it to say, there isn’t a dress in the world that could make Kristen Stewart look like anything other than Kristen Stewart. There’s really no other way to describe it. She’s in Reem Acra, and it’s feminine and refined, but she’s on crutches and her hair looks insane and you get the feeling there either was a tantrum earlier or there will be one soon. But she’s K-Stew. That’s how she rolls.

When did Ashton Kutcher become bearable again? I saw him on the cover of the new Esquire this morning, and it was just a sudden realization – he’s hot and no longer douchey! It’s a happy day in girltown.

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I’ve always thought he’s been amazing on That 70’s Show – his character practically single-handedly made the show a success. But then, I just got so tired of the whole goofy-fake-frat-guy-trucker-hat persona. This was probably around the time of Punk’d. Remember that show? Yea. It was like this whole little Justin Bieber phase (before there was the current toolish Biebzz).

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And then he married Demi Moore. And that was awkward b/c she’s like, legit old. Hot, but old. I mean, her daughters are practically the same age as him! He could have been watching Nick at Nite with them one minute, and banging out their mom the next. Just really bizarro.

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But, then he became a cheating ex-spouse! And it really wasn’t cool, b/c, like, just don’t do that, jaknow? It’s bad enough to have Rumor Willis splashed across the tabloids, but to see your ‘step-dad’ in there too is beyond. Plus, filling in for Charlie Sheen on Two and a Half Men? WTF? That show is A. Terrible and B. Way over the shark, so why not just let it go? The ‘half man’ is freaking like 32 already. Not cute.

So, I guess that leaves his saving grace as Ms. Mila Kunis. Only the sexiest woman alive. I for realz love this girl and may or may not have posters of her up in my room. It’s that kind of crush. I think it’s so great that they got together – they had great chemistry on the show and they’re both fabulously good looking, and now apparently they’re close to moving in together! Swoon.

Presh!

Presh!

This is essentially an open letter to Mila – Thank you so much for bringing Aston Kutcher back from the brink of Twitter-obsession and Nikon promotion. Thank you for making it cool to be a fan of his again. And most importantly, thanks for having a normal, sweatpant-wearing, relaxed relationship. It’s great to know that it’s ok to wear comfies outside of the house. I mean, if the stars are doing it, it must be alright…right?

It’s the most wonderful time of the year (sung to the tune of that X-mas song) – LENT! Your favorite, my favorite, all the bodies’ favorite! 40 days (give or take – I’m not actually religious) of no fun!

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In years past, I’ve given up a variety of things just to see if I could – with pretty much universal success. I’ve given up cheese (no pizza, nachos, bagels, lasagna etc), pasta (egads!) and sweets. I’ve even tried giving up Panera when I lived close enough to one to binge on a regular basis. But throughout the years I’ve staunchly avoided giving up the things that truly matter to me – soda and porn TV.

he would.

he would.

So, in the spirit of remembrance and self-control, I’ve narrowed this year’s contenders down to …drumroll please…fast foodstuffs, the EZ pass hot lanes, and reading novels at work for entertainment. (Note – soda is nowhere in this discussion. I’m good but I’m not that good.) If this were a democrazy I’d open up the polls for a true vote for picking my poison. However, seeing as how this blog is a straight up dictatorship, I’m going to go with fast food. Unless my guy isn’t in to that idea, in which case it would be too hard and I’ll quickly fold like a gay teen’s gym uniform.

this makes me sad.

this makes me sad.

I’ve also considered giving up spending monies on lunch, working during work hours, and the gym, but seeing as those aren’t things I ever really do anyways, it kind of defeats the purpose. Stay tuned to see how long I make it before cracking and ordering a full delicious box combo from popeyes or some beyond delicious waffle fries from the chic fil a. If I do manage to make it the entire time, I’ll be sure to rub it in each and every one of your haters’ faces.

josh hartnett - where have you been all my life?

josh hartnett – where have you been all my life?

Are designer jeans still all the rage? I feel like in these times of ‘economic uncertainty’ they’re really not. It’s more about having the right look than the right brand. The right fit than the right logo splashed across your ass. However, if this is the case, as I know it is, is there any market for secondhand designer schwag? In particular, I’m thinking of consigning a bunch of jeans for a slight influx of cashmonies.

I’m kind of a jean whore – I have no less than 20 pairs, of which I wear approx. two with any regularity. The remainder are essentially all (expensive) impulse buys. My fave pairs cost a grand total of maybe $50. So, anyone want in on my Joe Jeans? My J Brands? My 7 for All Mankinds?!?! I can certify that you can’t even tell that any have been worn – mainly b/c they haven’t. I recognize that I’ll get hardly anything compared to what I paid, but I’m ok with that. Anything is more than I’d get from them just taking up closet space.

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(Remember the time when Dooney and Bourke bags were all the rage? Thank god that crass craze is over. Anything that screams ‘I need logos to validate my existence!’ is a poor fashion choice. I’m looking at you Coach and Louis Vuitton. The only time it’s acceptable is when it’s by you, for you.)

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Have you ever sat down and actually considered what you own of value and how much it’s actually worth? I have surprisingly little. I have quite a collection of stuff, but nothing that could fetch over maybe $500. Designer bags, jeans, snowboards, some jewelry…that’s about it. Nothing electronic – my TV is old as crap and my laptop is a complete piece.

I don’t even have a pair of Beats headphones to potentially be held up for on the street. It’s kind of depressing. Leads to that old question, if there was a fire, and you could only save one thing, what would it be?

born rich

born rich

My answer? Umm…actually, I’m not really sure. In this day and age there’s hardly anything that can’t be re-acquired. I’m sure something of sentimental value would come to mind in the heat of the moment (pun intended), but until then I prefer to keep all my jewelry on and my money in the bank.

However, if something did go down, you can be damn sure I’d bill the insurance company for one million dollars. B/c who are they to know that I don’t have first editions and impressionist masterpieces in my room?! ‘zactly.

impressionism-1

In other news, have you ever tried to play Apples to Apples with a bunch of super stoned people? If you haven’t, DON’T. If you have, you know what I’m talking about. It’s beyond ridiculous – the card with the word will be lying face up on the table, and people will ask, no less than three times each, what it is. Hazy vision I suppose. Plus, as if that isn’t bad enough, all of a sudden everyone decides to take every definition literally. The subtleties of an office cubicle as an example of ‘savage’ or the MTV music awards as ‘excruciating’ are lost on people who discredit your submission b/c they ‘sometimes like watching the performances.’ Just a little weekend tipski. You’ll thank me later.

note - this is NOT one of my actual friends. i dont associate with uggos.

note – this is NOT one of my actual friends. i dont associate with uggos.

I have a confession to make – recently I’ve become addicted to a reality TV show. Please don’t judge me, as I’m more than ok admitting this. In fact, I’m proud of it.(‘I’m not even mad – I’m impressed’) While I’ll keep my Biggest Loser-watching/gorging on fast food to myself, the show I’m about to talk about should be watched by anyone and everyone. It’s that damn good. The show? The Joe Schmo Show on Spike. It’s amazing and pretty much changed my life.

the guy's face from season 1 geeks me!

the guy’s face from season 1 geeks me!

The premise is that it’s a reality TV show where the entire cast is actors, EXCEPT for one guy (Joe Schmo – get it??) Currently in its third season, each year the theme of the show changes – the first year (c. 2003) was your simple, run of the mill group of randos sharing a house and a chance for $100,000. The second was a play on the Bachelor and other crappy oh-lets-look-for-lasting-love-on-national-TV shizz; and the third is a BOUNTY HUNTER competition. Yes, you read that correctly – this guy is actually competing hardcore for ‘a career change and $100,000.’

Each season has its own hilariously outrageous challenges and lines, but they’re all held together by the same host in all his glory:

with his dumb-as-rocks wife, wanda. PS - he has a rat tail. it's epic.

with his dumb-as-rocks wife, wanda. PS – he has a rat tail. it’s epic.

With lines like the ‘Pearl Necklace Eviction Ceremony’ (season 2); and ‘Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, you’re dead to us’ (season 1), what’s not to love???

There’s even a (fake) deaf girl on season 3! How she manages to play deaf is beyond me, but her deep deaf voice – you know the type – gets me every time. Particularly during a challenge when they all had to chase down a fugitive somewhere in the house whenever the sirens went off. She was all, ‘Ah cahn’t hearrr the sihhrenss’. Classic.

Two more things I find infinitely amusing and then I’ll stop: your girl Kristen Wiig is a cast member in season 1, so that’s funny. And then in season 2 there’s a falcon. As in, ‘Here’s another FALCON TWIST!’ (huge ass bird screeching and flying in like a bat out of hell), featuring Montecore in his debut role.

fly mordecai!

fly mordecai!

I have yet to actually finish a season, so I’m not sure how the dudes take it at the end, but I die just watching how douchey they are. I mean, don’t get me wrong – they all seem like genuinely nice guys. But sometimes even the nicest guys are just the biggest fist-pumping, cargo-short-wearing tools. Happens. Double douche bonus? Come to find out the guy from season 2 (Tim Walsh I think) grew up in NOVA, went to Gonzaga HS, and currently works at some bar in DC. To close this chapter of my life, I may just undertake an investigatory field trip to said bar…

I mean, look at this guy.

I mean, look at this guy.

not studly.

not studly.

Gah! I almost forgot the gays!! Each season there’s a homo – played by a straight actor. I think the first season may be the best, b/c ‘Kip’ is capri-wearingly flamboyant. However, ‘Gerald’ from season 2 might give him a run for his money. ‘Gerald’, with a hard G, is the gotta-be-gay dude, and as such keeps making comments that has the Schmo questioning his sexuality. In the end, Schmo decides that he’s probably not gay – just Canadian. Perf.

Kip!

Kip!

the-gotta-be-gay-guy. or canadian. either way.

the-gotta-be-gay-guy. or canadian. either way.

I could go on and on (more than I already  have), but the point remains the same – go watch it or I’m going to write about it again, laughing to myself at all the jokes, and you just won’t get it. Also you might receive a casual pouch for your birthday. Be excited.

Good morning boys and girls – it’s the beginning of a new year, and as such, I will make every attempt to get this blog going again. It’s not that I don’t enjoy sharing random tidbits of my life with complete strangers, it’s just that I have a hard time getting motivated to do anything some days months*. Please don’t take it personally, it’s just that I don’t care. Blogging doesn’t really bring me any particular joy or peace of mind, per se. I’ve accepted the fact that I’ll never parlay this little time-waster into a full time career with paid advertisers or a major book deal. And I’m ok with that. But for the sake of those who may read this for a 10 minute escape from their daily boredom, let’s move on, shall we?

Today is my first day back at work after a (GLORIOUS) week and a half off. Needless to say, this morning was rough. I think going back to work after a holiday break may be the hardest thing an adult has to face. I mean, as a teenager, going back to school after summer was hard, but at least you could look forward to seeing cute boys and which girls had inevitably let themselves go. Fast forward to spring semester after winter break in college – you were starting an entire series of new courses, with all the possibilities inherent therein – new friends to make, guys to impress, subjects to interest you. Plus, you were THAT much closer to summer break.

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With work, it’s just a depressing never-ending cycle of monotony, broken only by the piercing shrill of the alarm going off at some ungodly dark hour. There’s got to be more to life. So, with that in mind, I give you my attempt at soon to be trashed resolutions for the New Year:

  1. Find something of value in every day. Most likely this will not come from work, hence #2:
  2. Find a new yob. I’m closing in on two years at my current employer, and it may (read, is*) be time to move on to greener cubicles.
  3. Get back into the habit of working out. <– I feel like this one is most adult’s challenge for themselves, and as such, I’m carefully phrasing mine to avoid any semblances of a personal makeover or healthier eating, losing weight etc. I’m not even looking to revert to a gym-Nazi prior self. I’d just like to make the $40/mo I pay worth it.**
  4. Speaking of money, I’d like to become fiscally responsible. I’m 27 years old. It’s time to try to make some headway on my debt. Or, at least stop purchasing numerous outfits from Banana that I don’t even end up wearing to work b/c it’s easier to throw on the same old shit.cammotsnyreslex-colours-1325779456

Ugh, I’m tired just coming up with this list.

** I was right! (Shocking, I know) The top 10 NYR for American adults are to 1. spend more time with family and friends (SNOOZE); 2. Fit in fitness; 3. Tame the bulge (over 66% of adult Americans are considered overweight or obese by recent studies <– Jebus!) 4. Quit smoking; 5. Enjoy life more; 6. Quit drinking; 7. Get out of debt; 8. Learn something new; 9. Help others (YAWN); 10. Get organized.

gross, no? fatties are the worst. (I can say that, I have fat friends)

gross, no? fatties are the worst. (I can say that, I have fat friends)

If reading this list makes you want to off yourself due to boredom, check out THIS fantastic compilation of crack head resolutions from twitter. You’re welcome.

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