lay down sally

I was talking with my guy last night, and he brought up this MILF he used to know – slight, with fake tits and a nice ass – named Dorothy. I’m nodding along in agreement, noting the typical emphasis on petite women with huge boobs, when BAM! Stunned out of my reverie by the name Dorothy. I don’t know why I find this subject so funny, but I DIED laughing (slash am still chuckling right now thinking about it).

The incongruity between the idea of someone so sexy and an old-fashioned grandma name like Dorothy is just beyond amusing to me. I’ve been thinking about a growing list of unattractive names since then. Think about it – some names are inherently sexy, or, at least subjective enough to call to mind someone you once knew who was attractive. And others, well, they’re just not. How many hot Huberts do you know? Hmmmmm hotshot??

Precisely. Concurrently, the opposite is also true – some names call to mind more physical beauty than others. For instance, I feel like for guys the name Ryan is pretty much universally applied to attractive people. Ryan GOSLING, Ryan REYNOLDS, Ryan ZIMMERMAN – fairly there, all around.

(this just makes me laugh - SQUIRREL!)

(this just makes me laugh – SQUIRREL!)

So, without further ado, I give you my Not Hot list of names: Feel free to chime in with your own additions, or to argue mine. Ideally this will morph into a universal list of those to seek out/those to steer clear of. No one wants to gasp out ‘Dorothy’ in an intimate moment (I know there will be exceptions to this – I don’t care for details). Pretty much anyone who has a long name and refuses to go by a nickname is suspect in my book.

Not – Ladies

Agnes, Dorothy, Bertha, Betsy, Melaine, Melanie, Helga, Bernice, Matilda, Patrice, Patricia, Martha, Judith, Olga, Missy, Rebecca, Norma, Ursula, Eunice, Dolores, Agatha, Gertrude, Paula, Pam, Pat, Mable, Marge, Deborah, Peg(gy), Bailey, Shawn, Darlene, Mildred, Myrtle, Fawn, Doreen, Barbra, BARB etc. This list doesn’t even include all the white trash ‘Ys’ – Chrissy, Brittany, Misty etc. (See clip from Ted) or the ghetto D’s – D’Shauna, D’etrell, D’eseree.

Not – Gents

Millard, Franklin (and Frank), Richard, Bruce, Fred (and Frederick), Douglas (and Doug), Stewart, Chuck, Charles, Angus, Billy, Donald, Jamie, Otis, Curt, Ron, George, Paul, Harold (just saying it sounds like someone is holding their nose and whining), Maximilian, Ulysses, Joel, Graham, Geoffrey. Again, not even close to complete. But, it’s time for me to pack my knives and go.



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